Dr. Makowiecki, the self-proclaimed doctor of human and ladybug sexual behaviour and doctor honoris causa of alcohol and drug counseling (MLCD, Miami) signed an exclusive contract with The AEGEEan Magazine and will offer his extensive knowledge and experience to help our readers with their existential problems and questions. This is your unique opportunity to ask what you always wanted to know, but were afraid to ask!
Dr. Makowiecki is looking forward to answering your questions, please send them to email@example.com with “Dr. Makowiecki” in the title.
Here are the intriguing questions and answers from the first edition:
Damien: Why is the world round?
Dear Damien, that is indeed an interesting question. Especially as it does give me some insight about the neurotic disorders you might suffer from. Our brain is often replacing one element that bothers us, but is too painful, with something else in order to sustain some equilibrium and prevent us from developing a common insanity. Please allow me to quickly recreate the true element that is bothering you, which is certainly not the shape of our earth (unless you assume that you are living in the 15th century, which would be a symptom of another disorder), but you are certainly suffering from ovaphobia, the fear of eggs. Just go a little deeper into yourself and think about the perfect shape of an egg, almost round but yet not perfect. Also our planet is not exactly a perfect sphere, so you can already see the strong parallel between your question and the shape of an egg.
Furthermore, the egg is the symbol of fertility, so your phobia may be actually caused by your fear of not being fertile or overly fertile (in both cases the egg reminds you of it).
But don’t worry, you are not alone with your mental disorder. Also Alfred Hitchcock was horrified by eggs (and his mother). I am very glad that I could explain you the true nature of your question and good luck with the evaluation of your fertility.
Golden Times: Doktor Makowiecki, what’s the best way to stop smoking?
Dear Golden Times, I understand your concern. I will be very short with my answer here due to the simple nature of the question. Don’t be worried too much about it, as it is really easy. Many of my patients have stopped smoking many times during their lives.
Zuzanna: Should the zoo-sex scenes be omitted from the content of the Discovery channel? (because every time I switch on the channel there is sex between different animals. It’s like XXL but with animals. Disgusting…)
Dear Zuzanna, I am sorry to hear that you consider sex to be disgusting. Hence this is the true magic of life just happening! However, I wonder a bit about the fact of you watching sex between different animals. This is indeed not a common practice, as usually animals of the same species engage in the act of procreation. In case also representatives of the Homo sapiens species were involved, I would like to ask you whether you have been really watching the Discovery Channel. This questions is valid especially because you are also mentioning “XXL.”
I would also like to add that I have been shooting animal (Ladybug) sex tapes myself in order to conduct my research on sexual behaviour. One can learn a lot from these little fellows, as their average sexual intercourse lasts around 2 hours and the male one ejaculates every 20 minutes through shaking of its body. During the process the male Ladybug climbs on the female and tries to hold himself with his six legs while the female is trying to escape. It always impresses me how such little animals have developed such sophisticated techniques.
Tomek: Best way to cure a hangover?
Dear Tomek, I am glad that you are asking this question, as it has been under heavy debate for many years in the scientific community. For many years, I have been conducting self-experiments in order to find the best solution. While experiments are still ongoing, I would like to share with you the basic principles behind this effect. Using simple words, the hangover is a reaction of your body being very upset with you doing a lot of naughty things with it while being intoxicated. This time was probably so exciting that it just feels sad and depressed that the feeling is already over and that is why you feel week and tired while being hung over. Another action is resetting the memory, so it won’t feel so sad anymore.
So there is just one option to make the world go round again! Make your body feel happy and show that you take care of it. When your body feels sad after a good time, it is certainly the right moment to give it what it needs and make yourself feel good again. The hangover will be over almost immediately.
Dania: My professor doesn’t understand that going to the Agora is more important than attending a lecture “intercultural communication”. What do I tell him?
Dear Dania, thank you for your question. I might have met your professor during one scientific symposium. We used to call him “Theoretical Tony,” as he does everything just in theory. Literally. Everything. That is also why he might not understand the need for practical lessons, which I personally value a lot. Only at the Agora you will get the chance to really get into close contact with different cultures, dive deep into them or let them penetrate your own culture. This is the place, where representatives of different cultures are able to exchange all hard and fluid aspects of their own backgrounds. Only at the Agora such exchange is happening in all combinations and variations. But you can advise “Theoretical Tony” to stick with his strategy and to experience intercultural exchange in theory and on his own.
Margrit: What is the best way to survive a European Night?
Dear Margrit, your concern has worried me a little. I have checked Eurostat (the European statistics agency) and I did not find many cases of people dying during a European Night. My advice for you is to keep the level of alcohol in your blood below 400 ml alcohol level, which will first of all keep you on the safe side. Furthermore, if you feel that you might be assaulted by someone else with a lethal weapon, I would advise you to carry an even more lethal weapon with you all the time during the European Night. Hopefully, this will scare away the assaulter and if not, it is at least not you, who will not survive.
Pablo: Dear Dr., I don’t remember a single European Night. Do you think I have some mental problems?
Dear Pablo, thank you for the interesting question. The symptoms that you are mentioning in your question suggest a severe anterograde amnesia that may be of a physical nature and caused by brain damage in your temporal lobes or it is a psychological effect caused by a severe trauma. In this way, your brain is triggering a self-defense mechanism that erases from your memory all the horrible things you have been doing, which eventually have caused the trauma. Unfortunately, there is no cure for physical brain damage. Fortunately, it is possible to reverse the psychological repression of memories through putting the affected individual into a similar situation and thus confronting him or her with the repressed memory. I therefore advise you to recreate another European Night and to write a journal about what has been happening and log your actions, so we will be able to proceed with a tailored therapy.
Leonie: After a long night, I’m always wrapped up in my sleeping bag so that I sometimes have to walk around in it during the entire day! I feel really ashamed… Could you tell me some quick techniques to help me get out of it even in the worst physical conditions?
Dear Leonie, I am happy to see such a significant question. This problem is described as the “out-of-sleeping bag complex” in scientific literature. Many scholars have advocated diverse solutions to it, but I reckon that methods that do not allow a reuse of the sleeping bag are not suitable for you. I also assume that you are not proficient in martial arts, thus there are basically just two solutions that I can advise you here. The first option is to have a strong source of caffeine ready next to your sleeping bag (as I shall avoid mentioning other stimulants on this platform). This can be a crate of energy drinks or an espresso maker. Right after waking up you should keep on consuming it until you have reached the moment when you are more hyperactive than Woddy Woodpicker on speed. You won’t even notice the moment when you will be out of your sleeping bag, have showered dressed up and ran a half-marathon.
The second option is to share the sleeping bag with someone that, let’s call it this way, is not exactly your type. In order to help yourself with that, you can induce a slight amnesia during the prior night. I assure you that the time between waking up and being out of the sleeping bag can be measured only with a very precise stop watch.
Written by Dr. Makowiecki – doctor of human and ladybug sexual behaviour and doctor honoris causa of alcohol and drug counseling (MLCD, Miami).